It’s been a while since my last blog, and I think I figured out why.
I write constantly. It’s just my thing, and always has been. It’s a stress reliever, a comfort, a necessity. Lately, I’ve been having a hard time with it, and it’s not just my blog that’s suffered. I can’t even focus on the fun writing, the drivel, the two or three paragraphs of utterly silly fan-fic that I write when I need to slough off the terrible meeting I just sat through. 99% of it never sees the light of day. Hell, 99% of it isn’t even saved. It’s just a refreshing break for my brain. It keeps me from wanting to start drinking at work. (Mostly.)
For months now, it’s been getting harder and harder to focus. To even want to write anything. That’s completely out of character for me.
It’s not just my writing that’s a problem. I’ve had a hard time focusing on games, as well. I’d sit down with the intent to play something, and then end up watching movies. Usually Marvel movies, or some portions thereof. I found myself skipping from one movie to the next, just replaying favorite scenes. Eventually, I decided that I should watch the movies again for real, cued up Iron Man, and started making my way through the MCU from the beginning.
My problem with games persisted. I still wasn’t writing. I found myself taking lots of pictures of the kitties being freaking cute. Late on a Friday night, I turned on the Xbox and started looking for something to play, because by then I was a little burned out on watching movies.
About eight months ago, I won a code for a free year of Xbox Game Pass, but I’d only used it twice. I downloaded one game, but didn’t get around to playing it until weeks later, when I discovered that it was no longer available. Arg. Then I downloaded Resident Evil Revelations 2, played for about thirty minutes, and realized that holy CRAP, was I ever NOT in the mood for that.
That Friday night, I scrolled through the Game Pass offerings, and something caught my eye. Disneyland Adventures. Huh. I grew up in SoCal, and we used to alternate — every summer, we’d either go to Disneyland, or to Knott’s Berry Farm. I’ve been back to Disneyland a couple of times since, but it’s been years since the last time. One reviewer said that the layout of the park in the game was pretty true to life, so I decided to download it and see. I didn’t really intend to play the damn game, I just wanted to see what strolling through virtual Disneyland felt like.
I ended up playing it all weekend, and that’s when it finally dawned on me.
Superhero movies, Disneyland… the lack of impetus to create… the aversion I’ve had lately to the darker games that I usually enjoy… I’ve been trying to escape reality, but without having to put too much effort or thought into it. And I didn’t want anything too damned dark — I wanted happy endings. I wanted candy canes and rainbows, for crap’s sake. That’s not like me at all.
I’ve been freaking depressed, and I’m fairly certain that it’s because the world, right now, feels like a seriously shitty place.
That’s a bit broad, though. It’s really this country that feels particularly shitty these days.
I have to wonder how many other people are feeling oppressed, suppressed, or just plain depressed by what’s out there right now. Lots of people are trying, but let’s face it — there’s no quick fix. It’s a long, hard slog, and it can drag you down.
My subconscious quest for an ideal world (because let’s face it, we could use a few superheroes right now) just highlighted how far from ideal things really are. Shit is supposed to get better in the long run, not worse. We’re supposed to evolve, not devolve. We’re supposed to gain more understanding, not less. Everything’s bass-ackward and sliding sideways, of course it’s going to affect our moods.
Just putting my finger on the problem helped immensely. I’m back on the horse — almost literally, as I finally started playing Skyrim VR for realz (you know, the game I bought PSVR for in the first place, and then never really played… and holy shit, giant spiders are HORRIFIC in VR.)
But for every epiphany, there’s a dark price to be paid.
Playing something silly like Disneyland Adventures helped me to figure out what my real problem was, but it took a heavy toll on my sanity, unfortunately.
I’ve had “The Ballad of Davy Crockett” stuck in my head for weeks now.
I didn’t think any song could be worse than “It’s a Small World” or the Smurf’s theme song, but this bastard burrowed into my skull with tiny, sharp teeth, coiled around my brain stem, and REFUSES to leave.
Somone call *Captain AntiEarworm! I need saving!